5. Hulk
Lee, stick to your kung-fu, your psychological dramas, and your gay cowboys. You do those well. What you do not do well, however, is stick a camera in front of a 12 foot green dude and let him smash things. Oh no, you’ve got to give us a 3 hour examination of a man and his daddy issues, and a Hulk that is only slightly less cartoony than someone further up this list. Oh and a gamma-irradiated poodle. And Nick Nolte, suffering from an apparent paint thinner hangover, as a giant tree-man. All of which is in weird, unnecessary “comic book style” panels for our viewing displeasure. I know how to quit YOU, Ang.
4. Fantastic Four 1 & 2
I’m lumping these together, because dog shit lumps easily. These will make you yearn, nay lust after the Roger Corman Fantastic Four. Doom is a douchebag who has metal skin and electric powers. Johnny Storm is a douchebag who has flame powers and belongs in Ice Spiders, he’s so extreme. Jessica Alba is Caucasian, and somehow not hot. Galactus is a cloud. Thing looks like a mongoloid. Even after everybody complained about how jokey and lame the first one was, they came back and made one even janker. My brain hurts.
3. Spider-Man 3
How the mighty fell. After the first two stellar installments, even the crap ass preview to this didn’t sway my belief in Sam Raimi. The man could do no wrong. Or so I thought. He gave us dancing Fallout Boy Parker and his jazz piano skills. Sandman and the disappearing plotline of his sick daughter. Bryce Dallas Howard and her vacant stare. Spider-man wins the day by apologizing Sandman away (BTW, since when can sand float gently on a summer breeze?). And worst of all, Uncle Ben’s death was an accident, devaluing the whole origin of Spider-man and why he does what he does. Hang it up, Sam, and just give us Evil Dead 4 already.
2. Ghost Rider
Oh how I hate Nicholas Cage. You want to know how much? I watched this for free. In fact, at cost to the studio. Do not ask me how. And after this was over, I still felt cheated. Nic Cage does his kooky eccentric bit that we’ve seen 500 million times in 500 million other crap movies he was in, and then turns into a Ghost Rider that looks like he was Photoshopped out of the 90’s Spider-man cartoon. And Eva Mendes, while hot, succeeds in not being able to act her way out of a wet paper bag. Peter Fonda as a burned-out, hippie devil? Wes Bentley, as his emo kid? (Editors note: That was Blackheart, believe it or not) Do yourself a favor. If you haven’t seen this, and you want to, then take a plastic spork and dig your eyes out of your sockets. You will come away with the same feeling. Man, what movie could possibly worse than this piece of shit?
1. Batman and Robin
Of course. I watched part of this again recently, as it was on TV, and I thought it was something I could ignore. As it turned out, I was so mesmerized by just how God-awful this thing is, I was almost late for work. It’s like watching a train hit a bus full of school kids in slow motion for 2 hours. It’s almost worth a watch to remind yourself how far the franchise has come in this, the age of Dark Knight. To remind yourself how deep was the grave that Clooney, Schwarzenegger, Silverstone, Thurman, and O’Donnell dug. “Chill out!” “You’re not sending me to the cooler!” Alfred Headroom. The Bat Credit Card (“Never leave the cave without it.”). Day-glo bikers and Coolio, starting a trend of bad career choices. You could cut the bad stuff out, a la the “Phantom Edit”, and you wouldn’t have enough footage for a 60 second teaser trailer. Every line, every shot, every second of film is a stunning example of questionable choices on every level of the craft. I doubt even the caterer felt good about being involved in this film.