10. Khan’s Perpetually Waxed and Oiled Chest – Stark Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
As great a film as Wrath of Khan is, and as great a character as Ricardo Montalban gave us in Khan Noonien Singh, you’d have thought someone, at SOME point during filming, would have pulled director Nicholas Meyer aside and asked: “Do we really need to see Khan’s glistening pectorals through the whole movie?” We’ve all heard the rumors that is was plastic, but everyone involved attests to this day that that was Montalban in all his glory. To me, that just makes it worse. I’m surprised he didn’t just defeat Kirk by blinding him over the view screen with his shiny, bare chest.
9. E.T.’s a Glo-Worm – E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial
Besides the fact that the movie is just a big ad for Reese’s, did anyone really understand why E.T. had a Glo-Worm in his belly and a penlight for a finger? Jank.
8. Kirk Meets God – Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Huh? Besides Spock’s instant brother Sybok, this movie is famous for the Enterprise crew (after a semi-nude 60 year-old Nichelle Nichols gets her dance on), meeting God, or a facsimile of, at least. It looked like the Master Control Program from Tron, minus about $2 mil in special effects. They should have just gone with Shatner’s original idea, which I’m sure was that God was him.
7. John Hurt Inspects the Alien Egg – Alien
So you’re a space scavenger, and you come upon a crazy alien ship that looks like it was built from spare parts in Hell, and everything’s dead, excepts for these slimy little pods that look like they’re breathing. Would you stick your face in it? Neither would I.
6. The Matrix Sequels – The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions
How could they have gone so wrong? The first one is cinema magic, with its bullet time, slo-mo fight scenes, and “I know kung-fu.” So why is it in the second one, we are subjected to an hour’s worth of new age philosophical mumbo-jumbo, albino Rastafarians, and bargain-basement Jet Li? And the third film is just an extended episode of Dragon Ball Z. Boo.
5. The Terminator Speaks Jive – Terminator 2: Judgment Day and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
“Hasta la vista, baby.” “Chill out, dickwad.” “I need a vacation.” And then, in 3: “Talk to the hand.” Remember the first one, when Arnold was scary and didn’t say shit? *sigh* I miss those days.
4. Jeff Goldblum Hacks the Mothership With A Macbook Pro – Independence Day
Do I really need to say more? An advanced civilization comes to Earth, lays waste to entire cities, and the best military hardware our government can reverse engineer can’t touch them. But Steve Job’s little plastic miracle takes this alien behemoth down with a jank-ass flash animation. Right.
3. Super-Saran Wrap Beats General Zod and Co. – Superman II
It was so good. Superman fights super-powered villains, destroying large junks of Metropolis real estate in the tussle. Granted, the concrete was foam, but all of the jank was forgiven, because it was just so damn much fun. Until, that is, Superman pulls a Saran Wrap “S” off of his chest and wraps up one of Zod’s minions in it. For shame, Superman II writers. Who the hell thought that was a good idea?
2. Murtaugh Beats the Predator Without Riggs – Predator 2
Arnold I can buy. He was a big guy in his heyday, and he could conceivably go toe to toe with a ‘roided out, vagina faced, eight foot tall alien. But Danny Glover? Especially without Mel Gibson to back him up. Murtaugh couldn’t beat Jet Li without Riggs. Murtaugh couldn’t beat Gary Busey for chris’sakes, so how are we supposed to buy he beats the Predator?
1. Star Wars: Return Of The Jedi
Stop screaming. I could have picked the prequels, but they are easy targets. And to be honest, the more I thought about this list, the more Return of the Jedi exemplified it. Don’t get me wrong, I love this movie. When Luke tosses his light saber away and tells the Emperor to stick the Dark Side up his wrinkled, pasty ass, I still get chills. HOWEVER, first you have to sit though Boba Fett being reduced to a punchline (“Aieeeeeee!”); a lame-ass musical number that was made infinitely worse by being turned into a full on CGI puppet orgy of crap at Jabba’s palace; the baddest gangster in the universe being a giant slug with stubby, floppy grandma arms; furry midget hippies defeating the most powerful and technologically advanced army in the galaxy with rocks and sticks; Luke talking shit and acting like he’s got a pair until he gets a zap from the Emperor and starts crying for his daddy like the bitch we knew him to be; and then, finally, and most horribly, the ewok celebration remix from the special edition, where George in his infinite wisdom took a much-loved, kitschy little piece of sci-fi gold (“Yub nub!” You know you love it.) and turned it into a festival of jankitude. No matter how much you love this movie, you gotta admit, it almost looks like one of the prequels from here.